My battle with depression: My story
A lot of people don’t know this part of my life so I am glad to share with you guys about the taboo issues of mental health: My battle with depression.
“Definition. A depressive disorder is an illness that involves the body, mood, and thoughts. It interferes with daily life, normal functioning, and causes pain for both the person with the disorder and those who care about him or her.”
I remember perfectly the first night when I discovered there was something not “ok” with my body. I have lost so much weight from stressing, overthinking and being hard on myself. I grew up in an environment where I always felt the pressure to always prove myself. Prove that you will finish tertiary and graduate without getting pregnant or sick, prove that you will find a job and be independent, prove that you will support others financially even if it means that you are burdening yourself, prove that you can achieve every dream you have even if it means you are being hard on yourself and also prove that you will get the materialistic possessions even if it means you are getting yourself in debts.
I am a very sensitive person, I am not good when it comes to dealing with pressure. I remember when I kept hearing words like “you will never finish school, you will get pregnant and drop out”, “you will never be successful in life, you come from a poor background and they never made it in life”, “You are a bad child and God will punish you and close your success”. I never knew how to handle the negative words I kept hearing almost every day of my life. I started setting a bar so high for myself, I remember I would be so hard on myself just to prove people wrong. I would try to achieve things before time, get myself in debts and make bad decisions in life just to prove people wrong.
I remember waking up in the middle of the night and I couldn’t breathe, my chest was closing up, I had headaches constantly, I started losing weight rapidly, and had suicidal thoughts almost every night. I reached a point in my life where I did not want to live anymore, I felt like life was starting to defeat me, my thoughts were taking over my life and I didn’t know what to do except taking my life. As much as I never attempted to take my life, I felt the peace of just thinking about it and that is the dangerous stage of depression.
I did not have a support system, I did not have anyone to share with, I did not trust anyone to help me with my problem. I grew up in a family where we were not allowed to express ourselves verbally, we always had to listen to our elders and that made it hard for me to communicate with my family since we did not have that relationship.
Images During My Battle With Depression
I remember the bad decisions I was making at that particular time of my life, I remember not being able to eat properly because of my depressed state. Whenever I meet up with people I haven’t seen in a long time, they will congratulate me on losing weight, telling me I looked good, tell me that I have the perfect body shape and ask me for weight loss tips. I did not love myself at that time, I hated my body, I hated the fact that I was not able to communicate, I hated that I did not have a voice, I hated that I was being hard on myself. I hated the traumatic experience that happened in my past. I hated myself.
I started cutting people off my life because I did not want to hurt them, I started isolating myself every chance I got. I remember I would miss work because I was always tired and wanted to sleep. I did not have the motivation to wake up and face people. I lost most of my friends at that time, I just cut all communication and disappeared on them. I felt so lonely and not loved, I felt abandoned, I felt so lost.
On my next post, I will share with you the steps I took to the healthier me, the tools I used to fight my battle with depression. Please comment below and let me know your thoughts about depression. If you need advice, do not hesitate to email me at [email protected]a and I will respond as soon as I can.